I resent everyone saying that we at Mumbai have bounced back. We have not. We are actually functioning on autopilot at the moment. We are still shell-shocked. I was in the adjoining ladies 1st class compartment of the train that blew up at Mahim station. When I think of the close call I had, I only thank God. No human was & is responsible for my safety, just Him. It was just a few inches diff. between the men’s 1st class compartment that blew up & mine. I jump & shiver every time I hear a loud sound as I sit in the train. I feel like crying every few minutes, for no apparent reason at all. I know I am a wreck, emotionally, and still I go on. The sights & sounds that greeted me as soon as I jumped onto the tracks, seconds after the blast, will live with me forever. I think of the mangled bodies, the men twisted in horrifying angles, the quivering bodies, being pulled out by fellow passengers, and other volunteers, my heart stops for a moment. I seem to have a constant pain in my chest and throat. The un-spilled tears held tight within…

Sure, I went back to work yesterday, but it was not really out of choice, I just knew that sooner or later I would have to get back on the train, & the sooner I did it, the better. I knew the longer I put it off, the harder it would get. That is why I went back to work immediately the next day. Not coz of anything else. I know time heals all, but I find myself wondering, at this point, will the horror of my experience ever dim in my eyes.

When I am home I feel safe. But a strange kind of lethargy has crept into me. I have not been able to get myself to enter the kitchen to cook or clean. I have to force myself to sit with my daughter and help her with her lessons. I just don’t feel like doing anything. I cannot go to sleep immediately in the night. For the last 2 days I have been going to sleep after midnight. Though I am bone tired, I sit awake for so long. I think of my children growing up without a mom, and I am terrified. They are so small, just 4 & 2. I guess I’m selfish too. I want to see them grow into the beautiful women they are capable of being…

My whole body aches, I know it’s just reaction setting in, I cannot talk about these things at home, as I do not want to scare the kids. I cannot express my horror anyway. I just cannot seem to get rid of the fear and sense of uselessness.

I feel like crying for all the men that died that day, for their mothers, their fathers, their wives, their children… What loss. People interviewed on TV seem to have shrugged off the whole thing as part of life. But it isn’t, it shouldn’t have to be. It is totally unnecessary, un-called for and absolutely senseless.

They talk of monetary compensation to the injured and the kin of those dead. But who will restore my sense of security, my peace of mind? Who will help me to lose my fear of going to work & returning home? They cannot do it… No one can help me really, but myself…